holes

The air around me distills into a threatening fog. My lungs choke on their discourse, and shocks of consciousness awaken my intelligence. The veils of truth have been uncovered and a snowy drizzle of respect has softly enveloped my heart. This has long been awaited and my heart beats clearer now, with a steady conviction to only beat in days, threatening to stop if I continue to play mayhem with its soul and promising to relapse if I bring up his name in conversation again. My nights are endless … It is here that I dream, in circles, not wanting to awake... finding that when I do, the reality of my life burns my throat when I suck it in … like a broken cigarette that smokes itself down to only ash and then blazes your fingers and leaves a foul stench. So I learn to dream deeper. Losing myself to a world where I awaken a life inside of me, I find it is far more potent than any cologne I have ever worn. Light surrounds me, my desire begins to grow, and then a peace, with gentle wings, flows in making a moat around my heart. It calms as it flows, perpetuating the transformation about to take place. Life is tiptoeing beside me, unsteady, fearful to make a mistake. Commitment screams from the back shadows as I try to force my way through the crowd untouched and unscathed... but it is impossible to do. Pieces of you and he glow as you brush past me illuminating my mouth in the holes where your love is gone in the places where we used to kiss, in the places where I am afraid to love. I yearn for exploration, engaging in days in distant lands with far off journeys. I expect change. I will not become a victim to contentment. I will push forward, excelling to the next level of realization day after day after sweet day dividing myself into two halves that continually entangle into each other to become a stronghold of conviction and love.

~2009