Wednesday, March 23, 2011


It must have been last June that I walked up those stairs. all by myself. in the dark.
I was fiddling with the ghost of you hanging on my back.
him telling me I shouldn’t be there.
him comforting me with your absence.
my hand slid up the railing as each step grew me closer and closer to the memories I had locked. of you sitting on that couch looking at me with your affection,
fingers pressed against those piano keys as you sang out your love for me.
eyes fastened on each other as our kisses turned to fairydust, covering the whole world in happy.
those were the moments our hands lay interlaced, my hair draping over you, claiming you as mine.
your arms were my godfather.
your passion my fuse.
the memories knocked me on my feet as your ghost sat between my knees.
he looked at me
with a twisted face, contorted in the moonlight with a sadness on his jowls.
he flipped his smile upside down, aware then of my sorrow, and laid his head on my skin.
he kept staring into my eyes, speaking to me in the shadows..
I was unafraid of his silence.
I was comforted by his calm.
At the top of the staircase, when I finally made it up,
I lifted my head to peer through the window that seemed to be baked into your door.
I tempted a glance in the darkness
but there was no trace of you.
nor any remnants of your ties.
you had taken your things, of this I had known, and moved away.
so far far away.
my throat clenched in longing.
my fingers cringed with gloom.
I was transfixed in my reminiscence
as I engaged in a “conversation” with “you.”

photo by: elgatoazul…

Friday, March 18, 2011


I yelled until my lungs gave out, and then yelled some more. I craved your absence like a craved my breath. there were no words that understood. it is the vivid death scream that wails inside and cannot be calmed. it is the sobbing heartache that roots our ticket to everlasting change. it is, in essence, our growth pain. the part of our evolution that requires a trial of ache to produce an adjustment in our frailty. through experience, we grow.
and then one day, we arise from our slump, sucking like children, on the candy of enlightenment. we become content with our sorrow; no longer amiss, and we bless our darkness with a tender kiss.

photo by: http://blog.c77c.net/who-said-animals-can-not-be-sad-photos/

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I always thought I would be different. I was going to be a star. I was going to rise above it all, and make my mark on the world. so I moved to Hollywood. and for four years, I begged and borrowed. I repeatedly dusted myself off and tried to make the dream a reality. I fought against myself at times, and rallied my defenses but soon enough time spoofed me as it drifted through my fingers. it dazed my eyelids and I blinked through the years. so I coughed out my life, feeling trapped in the chase until at last I realized …
I was lost.
though I had gained much, I had lost the reason I loved the dream so much. my reflection had changed. my shadow, whose face I used to know so well, abandoned me one day. I woke up and she was gone. declared herself insane and sauntered away. my virtue also weened. Soot dusted my lungs as I breathed in the city to exhale my love.
time stole and gave
chance teetered and tottered
and the evolution of my eternity morphed into a complex struggle between good and evil. good eventually reigned as I knew it would, but the darkness overtook me in ways I could not have imagined. I actually found a strange comfort in the blackest parts of my soul. I found a strange longing to connect with the rebel that was never born. as I regressed into that sleeve of myself, I saw the heartache on the wall. I knew as I ventured into that dark, cool, damp, musty cave that when I returned to the daylight, I would be forever changed.
and I was.
and the pieces of me that were glued to the edges of that cave are still there, taunting my skin and playing games with my mind. there is a jinxed joy in the impious pleasures of forbidden fruits. they are dubious by nature and tricksters by trade. but I am wise with my love and careful to bleed and the bliss of my flesh could not outweigh the ecstasy of me. though I had left parts of myself abandoned and free, I had wrapped up my value, stuck a pin its place, called on the angels, and found peace in the world's fees.