Saturday, December 18, 2010


In the soft moments of reprise
as I rummage through your things,
there is a faint sense of longing,
that brings me to my knees.
In the quiet unspokeness,
of all I thought I knew,
there is a sweetness that lingers,
of the joy I found in you.
as I touch the torn papers,
and read between the lines,
my tears release in sweet regret,
for the love I failed to do.
the winter is upon us
and though the dark days hold in fear,
I am no longer held captive by my love for you,
nor inside the dream I bid adieu.

photo copywright: http://www.liveinternet.ru/community/your_heaven/post130564346/

Thursday, December 9, 2010


in the darkness, i wait for words. i wait for breath. i wait for you.
in candlelight, i wish for love, i wish for heat, i wish for you.

in sunlight, i pray for peace, i pray for solace, i pray for you.

i am tied up in a litany of reasons as to why I should leave.

i am constrained to a hope that is flourishing, fleeting, gone.




a hope that bears no sunlight, no radiance, just warmth.

warmth from a vision I have manifested on my own.

dug up from the middle of my stomach

churning with false provisions

and laced with danger, delusion, and fallacy.

i want to plunge from you.

hard and fast to the ground until I break.

into a thousand pieces that I have to pick up and paste back together.

i want to see my fall this time and understand its meaning.

i want to crumble to find myself and learn again the reasons why.

i need power to face my fears

and acceptance to permit grace.

photo by: joshua bronaugh

Monday, December 6, 2010


I've been trying as of late, to figure not only me out, but the men in my life, as well. My ... journey is seemingly full of twisty, curvy, loose end roads. I go down one path, only to find it end abruptly. So i turn around and start trudging back up the other way, taking another turn I didn't see, and then start slip sliding through a maze of both misunderstanding and awe. Not only are we crazy complicated, us human beings, i have found, but also subtly simple ... it's no wonder we can't seem to figure each other out. the answer is much too easy and much too difficult all at the same time. We truly do speak a different language, men and women, ... and sometimes i'm convinced my mind speaks a different language from my own body. How i communicate with myself is a mystery and how i've learned to communicate with someone of the opposite sex still baffles me.
I've been reading a lot of books, trying to understand what "men's language" or "manslations" are really all about. There's a lot of psychology behind it and it makes my mind hurt when I delve too heavily into it. Can't i just be a woman? and you just be a man? and we try to make sense of our differences, together, in a sit down fashion where i listen to you and you listen to me?
sounds easy doesn't? sounds like that probably could be the right answer right? but i've been trying to do that my whole life it seems ... and what do i have to show for it? um ... an 8 month full on love affair, a 2 and a half year trial of love, probably a hundred first and second dates in the last 5 years, and a recent half assed emotionally distant/unavailable assclown who i hap-hazardly adore. It's pathetic. What is it that i cannot figure out about the world where men live? The common denominator would raise his hand and point to ME. and perhaps that is it ... perhaps I am so messed up inside that I am unable to subscribe to the language that men use. but. the thing is, is that i think i'm a pretty smart girl. I'm available with usable walls, i'm exciting, (but not crazy) ((most days)), i'm a pretty good kisser (with excellent technique i might add), and i'm level-headed and down to earth. I would also say that while i certainly am not the gorgeous model you can't take your eyes off of, i'm absolutely fine to look and like most girls, some days are better than others. I am a good gal to bring home to momma ... and so ... while i dont think i'm crazy or unlovable ... i would tend to argue that all fingers tend to point otherwise.
So i think ... what gives?
And so i'm here .. to figure this out.
and it may take me a long while to sift through all the bullshit around me, i know there are answers .. and i'm ready to continue the search.


A volcano has erupted in what used to be my heart. Shards of blistering lava bombard the insides of me, melting away the parts of you and i that I had engraved so deeply into the facets of my being. I am eroding inside. I am falling apart and though I appear the same on the outside, inside of me I will never be the same. My bones are breaking, my stomach is unable to digest, and my veins … incapable to reach what is left of my heart, pour their blood into whatever cavity they can find. I am swelling in despair and my body is suffocating. I have lost consciousness. I can no longer function as a woman. I have lost all sense of reality and I am seized with fear. Screaming does me no justice. There is no end of the agony in sight. Inside my throat, a siren screeches, wailing with the same fucking intense frequency over and over again begging me to release it. But. I am unable. It is jammed inside the mess of cotton i stuffed in my throat to soak up the anguish that keeps pouring into me. I am not able to self medicate, I am unable let go. I am infinitely stuck in a slop of my own melancholy and I feel at any moment the force that blew up my heart, will also explode the entire capsule of my being.

*note that this was written a very long time ago and is not a reflection of my current state.

photo by: jin yong

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


there is an imbalance between us
that I cannot define.
I squirm inside my words to you,
watching while you retract the context of my prose.
i cannot impetrate you for your love,
though sometimes I think you’d have me beg …
I am not strong enough to weather your dispositions,
always changing in the wind.
I do not know where I stand with you.
I spoil with confusion.
I rot with your indecision.
I am an infection,
poisoning my own blood with fabrications I tell to keep myself sane.
I pretend I am made of sanity.
I forfeit the passion inside my heart,
instead, expounding energy,
trying to patch up holes from baggage that has left a mess inside your soul.
I’m not certain I can weather you,

and yet still be strong as night.

photo by: Esther Ritz

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


i feel your resistance with great emotion
and the deepness of me is being affected by you.
your distance is a bruise that blisters when you
re near.
Your closeness; a misunderstanding, a misconception

I was not aware
your words are wrapped in celophane,
they cling to the walls of my soul.
they never quite unbind themselves,
your truth

I do not know
i devour your kisses,
which then get stuck inside my lungs
and swim inside my stomach
until they are drowned by fears of woes.
your polarity is perplexing.
your touch, a never ending hell.
you are a maze and a puzzle,
I fear

I will never know.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


your validation eludes me.
your words are empty;
a hollow mess of promises you can’t even pretend to know.
you are a ghost, living between two worlds,
illuminating yourself by a light i’ve never seen nor touched.
you live in delusion and fail to find yourself.
but. I seek you out. I wait for your love.
I conform to your desire,
and lose pieces of me as I continue on in the path of familiarity.
I am cognizant of my choice. I am mindful of your position.
Your unavailability is my comfort
and I continue to tredge the line of

photo by: steve gray

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I can still touch the tears that do not fall as my face still warms with the thoughts of you.

I am golden in my envy. I am conscious of love.

even with all the bullshit swimming in my stomach, you

… my love …

are still missed.

(this was written months ago ... i just never posted. but i was looking back at old writings today, and this one felt sweet. so. i thought i'd post. xo)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


It rests on me in hours.

The daylight offers no release.

I am gagged by its promise.

I am cuffed to its shame.

I carry its burden, chained to my heart;

I endure its ridicule,

I tempt kisses with its fate.

You laugh at my falter, you spit in my face,

you encourage my fall dear, you aid in the debate.

It’s become an over-powerment,

it’s a beast of its own disguise.

It’s a legend of its fortitude,

it’s a joke ...

and still a prize.