rambling

I've been trying as of late, to figure not only me out, but the men in my life, as well. My ... journey is seemingly full of twisty, curvy, loose end roads. I go down one path, only to find it end abruptly. So i turn around and start trudging back up the other way, taking another turn I didn't see, and then start slip sliding through a maze of both misunderstanding and awe. Not only are we crazy complicated, us human beings, i have found, but also subtly simple ... it's no wonder we can't seem to figure each other out. the answer is much too easy and much too difficult all at the same time. We truly do speak a different language, men and women, ... and sometimes i'm convinced my mind speaks a different language from my own body. How i communicate with myself is a mystery and how i've learned to communicate with someone of the opposite sex still baffles me.
I've been reading a lot of books, trying to understand what "men's language" or "manslations" are really all about. There's a lot of psychology behind it and it makes my mind hurt when I delve too heavily into it. Can't i just be a woman? and you just be a man? and we try to make sense of our differences, together, in a sit down fashion where i listen to you and you listen to me?
sounds easy doesn't? sounds like that probably could be the right answer right? but i've been trying to do that my whole life it seems ... and what do i have to show for it? um ... an 8 month full on love affair, a 2 and a half year trial of love, probably a hundred first and second dates in the last 5 years, and a recent half assed emotionally distant/unavailable assclown who i hap-hazardly adore. It's pathetic. What is it that i cannot figure out about the world where men live? The common denominator would raise his hand and point to ME. and perhaps that is it ... perhaps I am so messed up inside that I am unable to subscribe to the language that men use. but. the thing is, is that i think i'm a pretty smart girl. I'm available with usable walls, i'm exciting, (but not crazy) ((most days)), i'm a pretty good kisser (with excellent technique i might add), and i'm level-headed and down to earth. I would also say that while i certainly am not the gorgeous model you can't take your eyes off of, i'm absolutely fine to look and like most girls, some days are better than others. I am a good gal to bring home to momma ... and so ... while i dont think i'm crazy or unlovable ... i would tend to argue that all fingers tend to point otherwise.
So i think ... what gives?
And so i'm here .. to figure this out.
and it may take me a long while to sift through all the bullshit around me, i know there are answers .. and i'm ready to continue the search.